Logic will break your heart, babe

In this one, it WAS mine and Adam's five month anniversary, just like it had actually been earlier that day. We were in some big building with big empty windowed rooms. He was in one with a bunch of other people and I was in another just across the hall. He told me it was the best five months of his life (just like he actually did) and all of this other cutesy stuff. Then later, he came up to me and told me it was over and that he was basically bored with what was going on between us. And I was pissed because earlier he was just telling me how much he loved me. But after I thought about it, the anger subsided and I got really really upset. So I went and laid on the floor of that big empty room and cried. Just cried my eyes out, completely devastated over the fact that he, once again, didn't care that it was over.

When my mom woke me Friday morning, I was so scared, same as I always am after I have these dreams. It takes a second to realize that it didn't happen but I check my phone to look at my texts just in case. It's a horrible way to wake up and start my day. I just don't understand why all of a sudden this is happening. When I tell Adam about it, he tells me not to worry, that that would never happen. And I know that but whyyy. Why are these happening to mee? :(

nightmare: n. a terrifying dream in which the dreamer experiences feelings of helplessness, extreme anxiety, sorrow, etc.

A few nights ago, I had this dream that I almost broke up with Adam. I was getting so pissed over everything and he didn't even care. Then I found out he was with Chelsea Nemeth/Chanel Metzler and I was MORE pissed. But even though we were on the verge of a break up in this dream, he didn't even give a shit. And it was awful.

Then last night, I had a similar dream. It was like we were already broken up but I went over to his house to work on some project or something. And his mom tried kicking me out and told me he didn't want me there. When I asked him if it was true he said that it was, that he didn't want me anymore. I was so incredibly scared that I woke up and checked my phone to see if he had texted me.

The weird thing is that I almost never dream about him. I don't dream like I used to but all of a sudden I'm having these horrible dreams about our break up, which I'm assuming isn't anywhere in the near future.

I don't like it.

barbaric: adj. without civilizing influences; uncivilized; primitive.

Bahahaha.
Okay, I'm going to go memorize the shit out of my speech now.

But I've been screaming and fighting
And kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you.

curse: n. the formula or charm intended to cause such misfortune to another.

On Sunday mornings, I debate one of two things: option A is to lay there until I am either dying of starvation or dying of an intense bladder infection and am forced to get up and out of my own bed. Option B is to get up bright and early and begin my day, so that there are more hours to count before the all too familiar train comes and picks me up.

Now that I am on that train and this Sunday is almost over, I only have two more Sundays until my Sunday curse will end. And this curse, well, I’ve almost become numb to it. Saying goodbye is more routine that anything; I don’t have to look back at my house or watch that blue Ion drive away until I can no longer see it with my boyfriend behind the wheel. I robotically pack my things and, in this case, remind myself it’s only nine more days. Nine more days and two more Sundays, and then my curse will be broken.

Now don’t get me wrong – leaving Western will probably be just as hard as leaving home was in September. While I find dorm life nearly uncivilized (that’s an exaggeration, but not completely), I do love the university. I love the people I’ve met, and of course the person I went there with. I can only say I somewhat regret the decision to go to Western in the first place, because now I can never ask “what if?” Deep down, I am a homebody, desperate for a life that is familiar and comfortable. About home, it’s not so much what I miss, but what I am missing. Life is give and take – I can’t have my cake and eat it too.

As for Oakland, it’s small. At least compared to Western it is. It’s a 25 mile drive, a shot up I75. It’s on Squirrel Road, which in my opinion is a good omen. I will go Mondays and Wednesdays 10:00am-3:47pm and Fridays 12:00pm-3:47pm. I will hopefully/more than likely get my job back so I can make enough money to pay for gas and support mine and Adam’s taco bell and sushi addictions. And Adam, ohh that boy, he will, once again, be two lefts and a right away. The waters of our relationship will calm; no more arguments over nothing because it’s easier to be mad at him than it is to flat out admit how much I miss him, how lonely I am knowing that he’s so far away.

This is for the better. I really believe that.

Rest In Peace, my little Bug.

Mikey, you will be missed. <3

"The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly"
Vanilla Twilight // Owl City

hookah: n. a tobacco pipe of Near Eastern origin with a long, flexible tube by which the smoke is drawn through a jar of water and thus cooled.

Unlike last time, I know what I want to do. Of all the things that I don't know, this I am quite sure of. While I've fallen into place here at Western Michigan University, I know that it's only because I didn't have much of a choice. The adjustment was a tough one but now that I am here and about as adjusted as I will get, the feelings of being trapped in a place that is so far away have not calmed. Sundays are the worst; the days where I wake up knowing that I only have a few hours until I will be on a train headed toward the west side of the state. And these Sundays, although I've already gone through six of them, have not let up. Every Sunday, I find myself in the same rut, packing up my clean clothes and my whale and leaving my room with a lump in my throat, saying goodbye to my family and boyfriend, even if only for a few more days. And these Sundays have proven that this isn't how I want to spend my college experience, laying in bed not wanting to leave, dreading going back to the far away place that I don't belong in.

On Friday, I am meeting my Oakland University alumnus cousin Lauren out in Rochester so she can give me her own personal tour of the campus and so I can meet with an adviser to schedule my classes there. When I think about all that has happened thus far in the semester, and now that home is so close that I can nearly taste it, I really cannot wait to move back.



On another note, last night Katie, Lizzy, Melissa, and I went to a hookah bar, the first time I've ever been to one. I'd just like to say that I can't believe people actually spend money on this stuff. I'll never go back hahahahah.

mess: n. a state of embarrassing confusion.

Honestly, do I EVER know what I want?

I'm easily one of the most indecisive people I know. Even when my mind is made up I can't make up my mind. I won't say the words to make it true because decisions are too final to go back on. So even though deep in my heart I feel like this isn't the right place for me, I won't just come out and say, yes I am going to go to Oakland University next semester so I can live at home again and be closer to what I know and love. However, I will surely say that by now I should love it here and the fact that I don't makes me feel like I don't belong even more. I don't know what I am so afraid of because really, there's not much keeping me here. But I made up my mind before I even knew that that's what I was doing. I feel like such a mess sometimes that I don't even know which way is up. I don't even know what to say about it. There's just too much.


"You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry
And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday"
Someday // Rob Thomas

I would have been really content without knowing that tomorrow is Sweetest Day.
:/

If it's after midnight, it doesn't really count as Homecoming, does it?
Because that would ruin a very nice day.

:(

Considering we thus far haven't been on the greatest terms, I can't help but wonder WHY you would let me slip and totally cartoon-style-feet-in-the-air-fall-flat-on-your-ass fall TWICE in one week in the rain on your campus?

Jerk.

-Karley

The Owl City concert wasn't too long ago. Adam said he looked into getting tickets for us to go but it was on a week night, and I therefore wouldn't be in town for it.
It would have been like, perfect to have gone with him to see Owl City. Owl City is practically a synonym for our relationship.
It's just the small things like that that I think about. :/

jealousy: n. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

The crying log failed due to the fact that for some reason I no longer have control over my exploding emotions.

I know it was three or so times since the last entry (once on Thursday perhaps, and twice on Saturday?) Needless to say, I feel a little pathetic. Crying in that little Italian restaurant as I try to explain myself. It's like I open my mouth and tears come out. If I don't speak I can hold it back but the second I use real words I fall apart. And then afterwards I can't even say exactly what's wrong. I cried at dinner, that's what's wrong, but I don't wanna tell you that, just in case I start crying again. Fuck, my mind is such a mess lately.

Though all of me is really.

Time for lunch.

Knowing that I have to go back to Western tomorrow makes me wanna cry.
Can't I just stay here?

I wake up in the early hours of the morning for no reason.
I wake up from these weird fuckin' dreams with fire explosions and Wizard of Oz characters.
I wake up when the alarm for Katie goes off (though normally I can just turn it off and go back to sleep in a matter of seconds).
And, probably the worst of all, it is so damn hot in this teensy tiny room that once I'm up I feel too gross and too sweaty to fall back asleep.

*sigh*

I wish I was better at adjusting but I'm not. I feel like if I just tough it out for a little while longer, I'll be able to go home, to my own bed and my own room and my own house. And I'll be able to see Adam every single day if I want. And I can get my job back and make some money and drive my car to go wherever I need to go without feeling trapped in a prison cell room day in and day out.

You like regret.

Of course I've been saying all along that it's going to get better, that it will get easier with time, and I do still believe that. But for the moment I resent this place. And for the moment I am so incredibly sick of being here that I don't know how I am going to make it through the semester.

I want to wake up in my own bed after a nice long soundless sleep, in a room that is cool enough to be able to sleep under the covers.
I want to wander freely throughout my house.
I want to shower in a space that I can actually turn around in.
I want to drive to Adam's and spend the whole damn day with him if I want.

And I want this to last. I want this to be every single day, not every other weekend.

When Winslow bit me back in February :(