Packing this time around was hardly easier; simple yes, but not quite easy. The first time, naturally, was difficult and despite my desire to leave, of course I am torn. It’s hard when you have people you love in both places, but that’s just one of the many factors. To say that I am leaving Western for my boyfriend is wrong; yeah, he’s part of the reason, there’s no denying that. But there’s much more to it, more that I won’t get into on here again, because I’ve already done it enough times. But I’ll tell you, when I leave for good on Thursday, feeling the same as I always do when I leave this place for a couple days every week, it won’t be easy knowing in the back of my mind that I’ll never truly be coming back.
When my mom woke me Friday morning, I was so scared, same as I always am after I have these dreams. It takes a second to realize that it didn't happen but I check my phone to look at my texts just in case. It's a horrible way to wake up and start my day. I just don't understand why all of a sudden this is happening. When I tell Adam about it, he tells me not to worry, that that would never happen. And I know that but whyyy. Why are these happening to mee? :(
A few nights ago, I had this dream that I almost broke up with Adam. I was getting so pissed over everything and he didn't even care. Then I found out he was with Chelsea Nemeth/Chanel Metzler and I was MORE pissed. But even though we were on the verge of a break up in this dream, he didn't even give a shit. And it was awful.
Then last night, I had a similar dream. It was like we were already broken up but I went over to his house to work on some project or something. And his mom tried kicking me out and told me he didn't want me there. When I asked him if it was true he said that it was, that he didn't want me anymore. I was so incredibly scared that I woke up and checked my phone to see if he had texted me.
The weird thing is that I almost never dream about him. I don't dream like I used to but all of a sudden I'm having these horrible dreams about our break up, which I'm assuming isn't anywhere in the near future.
I don't like it.
Okay, I'm going to go memorize the shit out of my speech now.
And kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you.
On Sunday mornings, I debate one of two things: option A is to lay there until I am either dying of starvation or dying of an intense bladder infection and am forced to get up and out of my own bed. Option B is to get up bright and early and begin my day, so that there are more hours to count before the all too familiar train comes and picks me up.
Now that I am on that train and this Sunday is almost over, I only have two more Sundays until my Sunday curse will end. And this curse, well, I’ve almost become numb to it. Saying goodbye is more routine that anything; I don’t have to look back at my house or watch that blue Ion drive away until I can no longer see it with my boyfriend behind the wheel. I robotically pack my things and, in this case, remind myself it’s only nine more days. Nine more days and two more Sundays, and then my curse will be broken.
Now don’t get me wrong – leaving Western will probably be just as hard as leaving home was in September. While I find dorm life nearly uncivilized (that’s an exaggeration, but not completely), I do love the university. I love the people I’ve met, and of course the person I went there with. I can only say I somewhat regret the decision to go to Western in the first place, because now I can never ask “what if?” Deep down, I am a homebody, desperate for a life that is familiar and comfortable. About home, it’s not so much what I miss, but what I am missing. Life is give and take – I can’t have my cake and eat it too.
As for Oakland, it’s small. At least compared to Western it is. It’s a 25 mile drive, a shot up I75. It’s on Squirrel Road, which in my opinion is a good omen. I will go Mondays and Wednesdays 10:00am-3:47pm and Fridays 12:00pm-3:47pm. I will hopefully/more than likely get my job back so I can make enough money to pay for gas and support mine and Adam’s taco bell and sushi addictions. And Adam, ohh that boy, he will, once again, be two lefts and a right away. The waters of our relationship will calm; no more arguments over nothing because it’s easier to be mad at him than it is to flat out admit how much I miss him, how lonely I am knowing that he’s so far away.
This is for the better. I really believe that.
Rest In Peace, my little Bug.
Mikey, you will be missed. <3
"The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly"
Vanilla Twilight // Owl City
Unlike last time, I know what I want to do. Of all the things that I don't know, this I am quite sure of. While I've fallen into place here at Western Michigan University, I know that it's only because I didn't have much of a choice. The adjustment was a tough one but now that I am here and about as adjusted as I will get, the feelings of being trapped in a place that is so far away have not calmed. Sundays are the worst; the days where I wake up knowing that I only have a few hours until I will be on a train headed toward the west side of the state. And these Sundays, although I've already gone through six of them, have not let up. Every Sunday, I find myself in the same rut, packing up my clean clothes and my whale and leaving my room with a lump in my throat, saying goodbye to my family and boyfriend, even if only for a few more days. And these Sundays have proven that this isn't how I want to spend my college experience, laying in bed not wanting to leave, dreading going back to the far away place that I don't belong in.
On Friday, I am meeting my Oakland University alumnus cousin Lauren out in Rochester so she can give me her own personal tour of the campus and so I can meet with an adviser to schedule my classes there. When I think about all that has happened thus far in the semester, and now that home is so close that I can nearly taste it, I really cannot wait to move back.
On another note, last night Katie, Lizzy, Melissa, and I went to a hookah bar, the first time I've ever been to one. I'd just like to say that I can't believe people actually spend money on this stuff. I'll never go back hahahahah.
When no one else was looking
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found me"
Honestly, do I EVER know what I want?
I'm easily one of the most indecisive people I know. Even when my mind is made up I can't make up my mind. I won't say the words to make it true because decisions are too final to go back on. So even though deep in my heart I feel like this isn't the right place for me, I won't just come out and say, yes I am going to go to Oakland University next semester so I can live at home again and be closer to what I know and love. However, I will surely say that by now I should love it here and the fact that I don't makes me feel like I don't belong even more. I don't know what I am so afraid of because really, there's not much keeping me here. But I made up my mind before I even knew that that's what I was doing. I feel like such a mess sometimes that I don't even know which way is up. I don't even know what to say about it. There's just too much.
"You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry
And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday // Rob Thomas